The Messages
Your Emotions
Send You

The 7
Power-Skills

Why You
Need An
Emotional
Toolkit

Self-Quiz

FAQs

WHY YOU NEED AN EMOTIONAL TOOLKIT

Listen to Dr. Mininni talk with radio host Leeza Gibbons about The Emotional Toolkit on "Leeza At Night", April 2005.

Most of us never learned about our emotions -- what they mean and how to shift them.

If you're like most people, you've probably taken lots of classes in your life. You went to school and learned all about history and math. You may even have taken piano or swimming lessons.

But what about lessons in your emotions? How could it be that such a critical part of your life - understanding and taking control of your feelings - is so glaringly omitted from our formal education? I believe it is because we aren't given awards and accolades for our emotional development, so somehow that endeavor seems less significant. As author and cultural observer Gail Sheehy writes, "The prizes in our society are reserved for outer, not inner achievements." As a result, the tools we need to create happier lives go unlearned.

Cyclical emotions are normal, but we're not taught to deal with them.

In addition to your day-to-day feelings, you can expect to have cyclical emotions. These predictable emotions arrive approximately every 5 to 7 years and have to do with your evolving identity.
Your evolving identity is the way you change as a result of time, experiences and just plain living. For example, the challenges and choices you face in your 20s or 30s -- "What will my work be?" "Will I marry?" "Where will I live?" -- are different from the ones you face in your 40s or 50s when you might ask, "Have I made good choices?" "Is there something I've neglected to do in my life?" Each time you re-evaluate your life, you may bring up feelings of excitement and anticipation as well as loss and confusion. And all of this is normal, but most people don't know this or how to deal with it.

Women often ruminate about their problems which leads to unhappiness.

Women are especially prone to rumination, a type of thinking that keeps you stuck in a bad mood. (For a self-quiz, see “Are You A Ruminator?”) When a bad feeling strikes, a woman is more likely than a man to think about her upset feelings over and over, even if thinking about them makes you feel bad. Men, on the other hand, often try to distract themselves from bad feelings by watching TV, tinkering in the garage or playing basketball – not necessarily a better strategy. Women say they ruminate to better understand themselves or their problems. But here's the rub. Research shows that ruminating may actually interfere with your ability to solve your problems. And it prolongs your distressed mood. There's nothing wrong with some good soul-searching, but introspection turns to rumination when you stay focused on your problems and ignore solutions.

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